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The (hidden) faces of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Click the link by “Projects” labeled “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the upper menu.
Maybe it is just because I’ve been following the daily minutes of the Prop 8 trial via the “trial tracker”, or maybe it is because I gained a different understanding watching the current military be able to march and be recognized in the gay pride parade in London, and maybe it is just a little bit of impatience with our current Commander in Chief (not to mention our other, longer standing, politicians) on this issue…but I find this to be a very compelling narrative in photography that slams home in a few simple images the fact that these are the people that have chosen to serve their country and are forced to do it by different rules than others. People who know they could have everything they’ve worked for, everything that they have sacrificed for, stripped away on a mere whim…but choose to do so anyway.
It’s time, America. It’s time, Obama. Senate? Get off your goddamn asses. The disservice we do to these men and women can be heartbreaking.
Life with Matt
Matt: Uh oh.
(matt wanders in from the kitchen with a bottle of benadryl stuck to his finger)
Alex: Did you really cram your finger in that bottle to get a pill?
(matt nods sadly)
Alex: Rather than just, you know, tipping it to the side and pouring one out?
Matt: I FORGOT. JUST GET IT OFF.
(alex tries his best not to melt into giggles)
blood boiling
So I’ve been reading the various live blogs and updates from the Prop 8 trial in California.
Some of it is amusing:
Pugno: Objects because document will be revealing.
Judge: Not to make light of this, but the reason people want to produce documents is that they are revealing.
Some of it is touching in a slightly horrifying “I get that” way. Such as the testimony and then blog comments from readers on day 4. One that sits with me is:
Something that many non-LGBTs simply could never understand is that “coming out” doesn’t just happen once. Being “out” means coming out again and again and again to friends, family, co-workers, strangers… Every single time it happens can be extremely stressful, especially if there’s more at stake than the person’s simple approval.
And really, they are right. Every single time I utter the word boyfriend to someone for the first time, there’s a moment…however small…where I find myself quickly weighing out what is about to go down. Judging potential reaction, gearing for the inevitable questions…. I’ve been out for a long, long time and still that moment happens. Every. Single. Time.
If I decide to hold his hand in public? There’s ALWAYS an edge to it. I’m always watching around me, aware of my surroundings, at the ready….just in case.
Mostly, I get angry. Never quite so much as when I read the following, however.
“As a friend and senior advisor to Obama remarked to me recently, not one federal office holder worries in the least about what the gay community says or does.”
Someone said something similar to me once on a message board. They essentially said to me:
“What are you going to do? Vote republican? The democrats KNOW you won’t do that. I know you won’t do that. And so they have no reason to give you anything at all but lots of pretty promises during elections that they have no intention to actually keep. Because even if they give you a black eye, they know that you still think that is better than the one that is going to break your arm.”
And ultimately, that’s part of what this trial is about. For a body of people that have the numbers and the money we do….we’re nearly fucking powerless in our government.
And staring that fact in the face just gets me more and more angry. This is precisely why the Conservative movement has made such a strong move to block out the judicial system from the battle for our rights. They know the government won’t do it. So they do end runs around the constitutional question by writing their discrimination INTO the constitution and block off the one place where the powerless have a voice.
I wish I knew how we fix this. I wish I had some place to put that anger.
truth
Photo by sangroncito
what happened with the rings
Some months back, laying in bed being snuggly, Matt asked me if I wanted to have a commitment ceremony.
I don’t really know what my external reaction to the question was, I just know that I probably didn’t answer the question quite the way he wanted to hear, ie, I didn’t say anything at all. Additionally, over the last year, when I would talk about how I simply live in the moment and don’t worry about tomorrow too much, there would be jokes about how I didn’t see a future for us. They were jokes, but jokes with an edge of a question.
Ultimately, I knew what he wanted to hear. I knew what he wanted me to say. I just couldn’t do it.
The funny part? It wasn’t because of me.
If you had asked me 5 years ago, where I would be today, I would have replied living in Boston and married to Jay. If you had asked me 10 years ago if I’d ever move to Texas and live there for 10 years, I’d have laughed at you.
I know very, very well how quickly life becomes something other than what you planned.
I also worry that Matt may still not be fully aware of what he wants and needs. That as he develops and grows over the years coming out of the closet and embracing who he is rather than hiding it, that he may one day wake up and realize I’m not what he needs. So I’ve been hesitant to do anything other than let him know I’m quite happy with him and our life together. I have had a hard time going much beyond that for fear of feeling like I was chaining him into a life that he may not desire some day.
And then I kind of realized, I was doing it again. That thing where I’m not just worrying about and dealing with my own baggage, I’m actually projecting it into other people’s heads and then using my control freak nature to use them as the justification for why I can’t do something.
Trust is hard for me. I want to control it all. :p
And ultimately, when you boil it down… what I was doing was constantly saying, “well, why WOULD you want to stay?” Ah, self image issues, how I love thee.
It was never about not being able to see a future with him and I hope he understands that now. It was more about some extra baggage I was carrying from my last relationship and the how and why it ended, on top of a fear that perhaps I was going to find myself replaying that scene out some day in the future. I do need to say…I hold no ill will or bad feelings towards Jay for any of this. We were as honest and caring as we could possibly be about every aspect of what happened. It is just that there is an irrational part of it all where it is hard to realize that you’re not what the person you love needs and you both realize that. I was afraid of it happening again, of having to go through that again.
So I wasn’t afraid of me leaving…it was never about that. I was afraid of Matt needing to go and me having to understand that fact while having those less rational feelings to contend with.
So I tried to tell him that, as I gave him the rings. That I do see a future for us. But that I also understand that the world changes, people change, and the one thing you can always count on is that life will throw you a curve ball when you least expect it. But curve ball or no, I clearly saw a future with him…if he’d have me.
Seems he agreed.
There’s no date. There’s been no discussion of that sort of thing thus far. It wasn’t really like that. It was probably the most unromantic presentation of rings ever, but It was more about a promise and a statement to Matt, a way to let him know that my existing in the moment, here today, was not a denial of a future that we could share…a future I believed in.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I’m probably always going to be a “today” guy at this point, but my world is better for having him in it and I can tell you this…
I will enjoy every “today” with him I get to have along the way.
keeping promises
While I was in Toronto, visiting a friend in the hospital, I mentioned i was toying with the idea of learning to quilt. He listened to all of this and then asked me to make him a quilt. I promised him that my very first quilt would be made for him.
Fast forward to New Years Eve. My friend Skye came down from Dallas, dragging her boxes of fabrics, sewing machines, and quilting tools with her. She swore we could get a quilt done for David over the weekend. I remained skeptical, but hopeful. Time is potentially limited when it comes to keeping promises to my friend right now, so the sooner the better. That is how we set out on a twofold journey….to make David a quilt and to teach me the fundamentals so that I can play and experiment on my own afterward.
I am happy to say, we succeeded. In two days, I now have a completed quilt AND an understanding of how to do it again. There’s some very….first timer….mistakes in this one. Some of the lines of the squares don’t add up. I put two strips of the same color side by side in the squares. My “quilting” was meant to be straight diagonal lines across the blanket….you can see that didn’t work out so well. heh. And finally, I managed to sew some creases into the back fabric.
I’m not stressing it, though. We did this in a hurry and you know what? I think he’s going to love it, mistakes and all. I can be a perfectionist on my next project.
And yes, there will be a next project.
Here’s the finished quilt.
The fabric on the back of the quilt
The label we decided to sew on as it may be washed in the hospital
the full finished front
2009 in Review
2009 was a year of a LOT going on. As a result, most of my pictures are very “snapshot” quality, which is fine. We had a lot going on and there’s some fine memories in these snapshots.
From top left going around in a circle to end in the large middle frame:
1. Golden Gate bridge from Ft. Point
Richard told us he knew the perfect place to take a picture of the Golden Gate bridge. I have to agree. My second favorite “real” picture I took all year.
2. Chiyo napping,
I love this photo of Chiyo because she looks so peaceful and quiet. Two things she is not.
3. Buying the new home,
2009 saw me buy a house, something I never, ever thought would happen. This was Matt and I on the day we moved in.
4. Our headboard,
We decided to craft our own headboard when we returned from the UK. This was me playing with the camera and light.
5. Drunkard’s Dream,
Richard took us to a museum of old wooden animatronic toys from the pier in San Francisco. This picture had to happen. 
Richard was a most excellent tour guide and we had a blast hanging out.
6. First meal or last supper?,
Our first meal in the new home. Not the greatest picture but it makes me laugh every time I see it.
7. Jay at Stonehenge
Before we left, we got to host Jay on a trip to London. One of the stops? Stonehenge. It was….freezing. But still fun. 
8. Derek (looking british),
With the move back to Texas from London, we had to say goodbye to a number of friends, include Derek. Derek was a pretty faithful guide and source of information from the begining. This picture was shot as I ordered him to “LOOK BRITISH”. This was his response.
9. Our Girls,
We added a new dog to the family in the very end of 2008. The intention was to get Ciara a companion and a dog of Matt’s own. Sadly, the companion aspect didn’t work out completely as planned. Still, they are slowly coming to depend on each other.
10. The Great BBQ Hunt of 2009,
2009 was also the year that Scott and Ryan, CJ and Charlie, as well as myself (and Matt when possible) set out to find the best BBQ in Texas. So far, we seem to generally agree that Black’s had better sides, but Kreuz Market had the best meat.
11. Matt and his father,
2009 also saw Matt get back in touch with his father and introduce his father and step-mother to ME. No small feat, but it went smashingly.
12. Sean and Matty’s Wedding,
2009 let us attend the wedding of two good friends who managed to sneak in under the wire before CA banned gay marriage. Good for them. The ceremony was lovely and so completely them.
13. Matt
Hands down, this is what I think is the best photo I took this year. Of course, it wasn’t hard. I just had to NOT get in the way of Matt’s handsomeness. :p It’s been a crazy 3 years. I can’t wait to see what is next. *mwah*
home again (for now)
We’ve returned from the San Francisco trip, tired and happy. It was a nice weekend even though the weather was less than desirable.
Due to the pretty constant rain, I didn’t break the camera out all that much. I still managed to get at least one picture I was happy with…it was taken from inside Fort Point, just under the Golden Gate Bridge.
2 days of work and then…off to Toronto.
New art
While roaming SF this weekend, we stopped in at a gallery showing and I picked up this piece of art. Having it shipped home. Love it.
do it with love
Matt: That is because I have a much better memory than you.
Alex: Really.
5 minutes of other banter and eating yummy thai food occurs and then Alex suddenly gazes at Matt adoringly
Matt: What?
Alex: I just realized….we’re sitting in the same booth we were on our very first date 3 years ago.
Matt: Awww. That’s sweet, but we were further back in a different booth.
Alex: (seemingly surprised) Really?
Alex digs out iphone, finds the original photo he snapped of Matt sitting in that particular booth the night of their first date
Alex: See? We were sitting right here. Same sides of the booth even.
Matt: Huh. You’re right. It was this booth.
Later in the car on the way home
Matt: It suddenly occurs to me. You didn’t actually deliberately use memories of our first date just to prove a point about you having a better memory, did you?
Alex: I win……and I did it romantically!